A low day

4pm

As fellow blogger John would say, I've got the black dog with me.

When you've been to the lowest place you can, it's never far away at any time, but I'm so much better these days at managing things.

I have a mental image that haunts me though, and a song, and words that wil circle around and around when I really need them not to.  And it's like my brain makes me go through them all when I'm feeling low.

I've always been honest about depression when I write.

I hope it will help someone else get through a dark time.

I'm typing this just hanging on for the moment when the numb feelng kicks in/takes over, and it starts to get easier to breathe again.

It would have been my mums birthday today.

In past years we would have been on holiday for this date, and we would always do something different today: a lunch out, visit a new place, go to look at something beautiful: after she had passed on we still did something, not necessarily something relevant to mum, but something like we were marking the day.

It's also just two days until the babies move out. 

I know I've been blessed to have had this extra time, that other people don't have, but that isn't making me hurt any less.

And I really am looking forward to the time I'm going to finally have with Man Wonderful.

21.14

In the past I would have just shut myself away at times like the crisis I had above.

A panic.

Instead, this time I started writing, which is what you've just read, above.

I'm now sat feeling mosly numb and partly stupid.

I posted a message about needing contact with a friend, on Facebook, and got messages from: Rachel Radio Star, who I have never met in real life, but who I have got to know through blogging.  We've written, face-booked, and spoken on the phone; and sent each other parcels of happiness.  We live at opposite ends of the country.  She gave me support today and a well-intentioned 'come on girl!' It helped.  A lot.

I also got a message from Paula.  She knows that everything is happening right now and that I don't do change too well since the breakdown.  She cheered me up by chatting online to me for a while.