The Secret to a Happy Marriage.

 Friends we bumped into recently, asked us how long Man Wonderful and I had been together. We answered 23 years,  married for almost 20.

The chap said, 'Really? I wouldn't have thought it was that long, as you both seem so happy.'

As I turned to look at Man Wonderful - and he to me - the lady said, 'They always seem so in love!'

This isn't the first time it's been said, and we get asked what is our secret. I wanted to share this today.

Where do I start?

We both had previous marriages.

Man Wonderful was married at age 20 to his childhood sweetheart, but from the start realised he was usually told he was in the wrong. They both worked full-time until they had children, but he was not 'allowed' to do everyday tasks - such as washing laundry - as he would 'get it wrong'. There could be a continual row over him not drying dishes 'correctly' or ironing clothes on a different day to usual. He says he felt this affected his confidence in himself.  Having grown up in a family where taking on tasks or 'mucking in' was encouraged, this berating and anger towards him over the smallest issues was the first step to an unhappy marriage.  Their children came soon after - one with a serious illness - and Man Wonderful found himself loving his role as a dad, and throwing himself into his career. In between these roles he was being treated as less than he deserved. He stayed for 3 decades before he could not take it anymore.

At this stage he thought he was always going to be a disappointment in any relationship, so set himself up in a single, lonely lifestyle.

As for me, I also married my childhood sweetheart. I started dating him aged 17 and married at 21. I started my career at 22, and worked as a full-time teacher. My then husband was in the military, and we both liked a neat and tidy house.  What I wasn't wise enough to see was the real differences between us. He would take on additional shifts (so I thought), drank to excess and spent every penny he earned. We had very different interests: we didn't even watch the same TV programmes.  When I found out the additional shifts were actually additional women I ended the marriage, taking our baby daughter with me. 

I told my mother that I didn't trust men, and that I'd never get into another relationship. 

         ...................

So.

If we ever met another person:

I needed to be able to trust them, and wanted a man rather than a childish, selfish person.

MW needed to be valued and treated as a man rather than a disappointment. 

We met at work and were colleagues for two years before we started a relationship.

I knew him as a strong male with a gentle, caring side.  He knew me as someone who would appreciate other people and also support my colleagues- but who did not suffer fools.

Our marriage is built on respect for each other.  Our home is peaceful and we leave the strains of everyday life at the door.

We show our affection and love at every opportunity.  Sitting and reading together we might hold hands, or I might put my feet in his lap.  We like having contact.

Man Wonderful enjoys doing our laundry - and I thank him for doing it.  

I'll clean the kitchen - and he might say, 'Oh, thank you for doing the kitchen - it looks great!'  

We always show our appreciation for each other.  

We do almost everything side by side.  Supermarket shopping, seeing kids and grandkids, reading the Saturday paper, planning meals.  He likes to shower first in the morning and will put a towel out for me when he gets his own. 

The secret to a happy marriage is to cherish the other person and to feel cherished. To show and receive appreciation. 

FMxx