Don't beat yourself up!

 I remember my 40th birthday.

I was a successful middle-manager at an outstanding local secondary school.

We lived in a beautiful modern house with every new gadget going.

We both had a car.

We holidayed three times a year.

We hosted dinner parties regularly, and had a large number of friends.

My 40th birthday party was at a stunning restaurant in the city centre: 40 guests, a live band, a burlesque dancer..

Because of the injuries I sustained during a hideous physical assault I was no longer able to work.

We had a much smaller income.

I did not want to be in any debt, so we sold the house and one car, and anything we didn't need anymore/could live without.

The 'friends' we had halved, then quartered.  Some people can't deal with mental health issues and I was diagnosed with PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I was scared. Of almost everything. 

I couldn't leave the house at times, I was a different person. 

Someone I held very dear said they could no longer be in my life - We had been at each other's weddings (I was witness to hers) and I still follow her very frugal blog to this day.

I lost so much due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

None of the above was my fault.

But I spent SIX YEARS blaming myself.

Beating myself up.

Today I know that I am a different person but that's OK.

I have Man Wonderful  and Gorgeous Daughter who stood by me and still stand by me.

There are some days when it feels like there is just no point - but I know to hold on because it gets better.

But I no longer beat myself up about it.

Yes, I have to take medication every day - ok, so do millions of people.

Yes, I put on a huge amount of weight (in my eyes)  - but I will lose that again.

Yes I avoid going to places I could easily have gone to before - but this might improve with time.

I accept none of it was/is my fault.

We all beat ourselves up one way or another at times - we can be our own worst enemy.

Choose to stop and start cherishing yourself. 

It feels much more positive when you can.


  1. Thank you for telling us what happened.

    I've followed you for many years and remember you being the witness at that wedding.

    Forty seems to be a turning point for many. I started nursing school at 41.

    PTSD is a terrible illness. I was diagnosed after the birth of our first son, horrific, brutal labour and delivery. Took me years to finally be able to get to the end of the tunnel.

    1. Thank you for sharing. Sending you blessings xx

  2. I remember much of the above from past blogs, etc, and am more sorry than I can say that it's bee so rough but . . .

    . . . you are a winner, you really are. None of it was your fault and you've triumphed magnificently. Yes, things have changed but that's OK. You love your life now, you're a star in the best possible way.

    Thanks for sharing that. xx

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. You have certainly gone through the mill. Your words regarding people being unable to cope with mental health issues really resonated with me. We have a son with severe learning difficulties and autism. It was very painful to lose friends when he was younger, especially since some of those friends had gone through tough times and I had unhesitatingly been there for them. Sometimes I still mourn the life we 'should' have had if things had been different. It is hard not to. XX


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